Part 3 of a 6-week series
If you’re just joining me, you can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.
(WARNING: This post is very explicit and might be a little too graphic for young readers. So parents, please use caution. However, I am not opposed to you using my story as a teaching/learning tool.)
My first job was at a local grocery store. I worked in the cash office on the evening shift (3p-11p). It was a perfect shift for me since I was a natural night owl. It was there that I met up with some guys I went to high school with. And that’s when everything changed.
I absolutely loved my job in the cash office, but after my first serious relationship ended I became careless in my choice of company. I would stay around most evening after my shift ended and “chat” with the guys before their shifts started. One of the guys eventually asked me out on a date. So we went to a movie together. We then went back to his place where he lived with his brother (his parents were not in the picture, so to speak). When I agreed to go, I didn’t realize his brother was not home, which left us in the house all alone.
It’s never a good idea to put oneself in a vulnerable position, which is exactly what I had done. I did not think of this guy as more than a friend, but he apparently had a different view of me. That’s when everything changed. His attitude towards me changed, his mood changed and his movements towards me changed. As we were sitting and watching some TV, I realized he kept moving closer and closer to me. When I turned to look at him, he leaned in for a very forceful kiss – one I was not prepared for.
I tried to push him away, but he was just too strong. He then began to force himself further and further on me. I couldn’t escape. I was literally trapped. The more I fought him, the harder he pushed back. Soon I just gave up. I had no strength left and my body hurt from being pushed so hard. That’s when it happened. He raped me. I had no idea what to do or how to tell anyone. I had a friend come pick me up and take me home. I collected myself before my friend arrived and I said nothing. I kept everything to myself.
Over the next several weeks I went through what they say is “typical” victim behavior. I blamed myself for making myself vulnerable in that situation. I replayed and replayed every moment of that evening in my head so many times. I lost so much sleep that I could barely function some days.
Finally, I decided I just had to get over it and move on. No one needed to know. It would only hurt them just as it did me. So, that’s what I did. I moved on like nothing ever happened. Until one day…
During the past several months (at this time in my life), I had been in and out of the hospital with possible gall stones. My blood work was always indicative of them, but they never had approval from insurance to do immediate ultrasounds. So by the time I saw a doctor (3 days later), I had passed the stones and we were back to square one.
This particular trip to the ER was no different than those in the past. I had similar pains and nausea. They came in, ran blood work and hooked me up to an IV. Pretty soon, what I can only assume was a doctor pulled back the curtain and without so much as an introduction as me (in front of my mother, even though I was 19) when my last menstrual period was. I responded, 5-6 weeks ago, but that’s pretty normal for me. They’re not real regular. Her immediate response, “Well, especially not when you’re pregnant.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
I lay there in complete shock and in utter shame. My mom leaned over so sweetly and seeing my tears told me it would be okay. I told her, no it wasn’t. I had not been honest with them and then had to tell her the truth – that I was raped. Those were some of the most painful words I have ever spoken to anyone. All she could do was hold me and comfort me. I now had a child to think of in all this. There was so much confusion swimming around in my head and I had no idea what I was going to do. My mom continued to assure me that it would be fine. They (my parents) were going to be there for me every step of the way. That meant the world to me, but I still had questions. “Was any Christian man ever going to want to marry me now?” “How was I going to finish school?” “Was adoption something I should consider?” A flood of emotions surrounded me for the next few weeks. Until my life suddenly changed again.
I had not yet had my firstOBappointment, but had some slight pain in my lower right abdomen. Never having been pregnant before, I told my mother and asked her if I should be concerned. She suggested I call the doctor and just see what they said. They requested I come in for an ultrasound. Now keep in mind the only ultrasounds I’d had up to this point were for my gall bladder. In other words, they were topical, not transvaginal!! I had NO IDEA why they told me to remove my bottoms. It was a very difficult ultrasound to say the least. The last time something was in that position I was in pain and trying not to hurt anymore. And this proved to be nearly as uncomfortable. The ultrasound was inconclusive, so they sent me to the lab for blood work to compare the HCG levels with what they “saw” on the ultrasound. Then I went home to wait.
Later that day I was asked to come in for another ultrasound the following day. That ultrasound again showed nothing in the uterus, which at nearly 8 weeks should be quite visible. The doctor was in surgery, so they again sent me home to wait. A few hours later I was told to come immediately to the hospital for surgery. I had an ectopic pregnancy. A few hours later I was no longer pregnant.
In a matter of a few weeks, I went from finding out I was pregnant from a rape to finally accepting this child growing inside me to loosing this innocent child into God’s hands. To say my emotions were everywhere might be a bit of an understatement. Only a handful of people at church knew what was going on and I very much appreciated their prayers.
It was a difficult recovery for various reasons. But I am so grateful to my parents for standing by me during the entire time. I am eternally grateful to God for His continued mercy and grace shown to me during that time (and since). I can’t even begin to put into words how much peace I have had since the “incident.” At first I blamed myself and told myself that I did this and put myself in this situation. While that is all true, I did not plant the idea of rape (or even sex) into this guys head – that was all him (and the devil).
I had to learn to forgive myself for putting myself in a vulnerable situation, but I also had to learn to forgive the young man who did this to me. He needed God so much more than I did. That was extremely difficult at first, but over time I began to feel compassion for him and began praying for him. I still pray for him often, as I hope and pray the Holy Spirit pricked his heart and led him to a Christ-filled life.
Of course my life has never been the same since that night, but I have been able to talk to so many hurting girls and help them. I am blessed that God has been able to use me in spite of my sins to help other young girls who find themselves in a similar situation.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans8:28(ESV)
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Since I have missed several weeks (and posts), I am going to post the rest of our story over the next several days leading up to our Anniversary this Thursday the 16th. Post #4: It’s all about how I ended up in Community College for 5 years and before answering God’s call on my heart (finally).
I am writing this series in hopes that some of the experiences and situations I have encountered during my life will give hope and healing to those hurting.
Blessings,
Annette
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